Indian email jokes part 2

Posted on December 10, 2009
Filed Under Blogging, General | 3 Comments

I am continuing to post some of the email jokes that sure made me cry..

If the Titanic was made in India

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain!

3) The movie would be called “Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya”

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die in the first dip.

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine’s father to teach the hero a lesson.

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC

——–

Indian way of doing Business

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

They go with a White House office to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)”.

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)”.

The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, outraged says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Indian contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

———–

The fast Japanese and the Indian

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!!. After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”

A while later a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”.

The driver was a little mad, but he kept quiet and this went on for quite a number of cars, finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 900 rupees!!! The Japanese exclaimed, “What?… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter Made in India, VERY VERY FAST!”

——–

Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from “US”.

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn’t need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says ‘Excuse me’.

17. Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”.
Says “Yogurt” instead says “Curds”.
Says “Cab” instead of “Taxi”.
Says “Candy” instead of “Chocolate”.
Says “Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”.
Says ” Free Way ” instead of “Highway”.
Says “got to go” instead of “Have to go”.
Says “Oh” instead of “Zero”, (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven
Zero Four)

16.Doesn’t forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats “Zee” several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says “Oh! British Style!”

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about “Jet Lag”.

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink “Diet Coke”, instead of Normal Coke.

6.. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule”, and “module” as “mojule”.

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one:
1. Tries to begin conversation with “In US ….” or “When I was in US…”

——–

New Exam pattern in India (Revised):

1. General students – Answer ALL questions.

2. OBC – WRITE ANY one question.

3. SC – ONLY READ questions.

4. ST – THANKS FOR COMING..

CHEERS TO RESERVATION

——–

LA LOO humor.

1 What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?

La loo

2. Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo “WAIT SIR” for which Laloo replied “65Kgs” and moved on…

3. Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them “Ji could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas…”.

The man at the other end replies “One second sir…” and Laloo immediately replies “thank you” and puts the phone down.

4 Laloos family planning policy..
“Don’t have more than two children in one year”

5 At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo’s left tells the bartender, “JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE.” & the man’s companion says, “JACK DANIELS, SINGLE.” The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, “AND YOU, SIR?”

Laloo replies: “LALOO YADAV, MARRIED.”

6 After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture. To show he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION “Laloo, third from left”

7 A reporter asked Laloo “What is the main reason for a divorce ?”

Laloos answer “Marriage”

——–

Why did the chicken cross the road??

Jayalalitha:
“From reliable sources I’ve learned that the chicken actually belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the road just to create law and order problems. The chicken has now been arrested under POTA”

Bal Thackeray:
“Chickens crossing the roads is totally against our culture. My sainiks will see to any chickens that try to cross the road”

Venkiah Naidu:
“That the chicken crossed the road clearly demonstrates the fact that the people and chickens have lost confidence in the Congress Government. The Government should own moral responsibility and resign.”

George Fernandes:
“I am deeply hurt that this question is being asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don’t own a house, or a car, leave alone a chicken.”

Mulayam Singh:
“I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely, and in dignity, without their motives being questioned”

L.K.Advani:
“I definitely see a Pakistani hand in this chicken crossing business …”

Sonia Gandhi
“We are very sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross the road. It’s just a conspiracy by the BJP to bring the Government down. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue”

H.S.Surjeet:
“We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the Left parties today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back”

Abdul Kalam:
“Yes, why did the chickens cross the road? Please tell me why? They crossed to get to the other side of the road. Now children, repeat after me….”

Menaka Gandhi:
” The poor chicken had to cross the road. If a vehicle had run over it, we would have lost one of our most precious creatures. We must therefore ban all vehicles from using the road.”

Gabbar Singh
“Arrey oh Saamba! Kitne chicken thhey?

Amitabh Bachchan:
“The chicken has crossed the road? Are you sure? Pakka? Lock kiya jaaye?”

———-

Fighting over TV Channels

Dad, Rahul and Preeti loved watching television. The three of Them always fought as to who will watch what. Their mother wouldn’t Interfere with their fights. Each one would snatch the remote and keep Changing Channels. Rahul wanted to watch the cricket match, Preeti Wanted to watch the cookery show and Dad the Political news.

This is what their mother heard one day:

In the parliament today…Nehra bowled his first over…and is washed away in boiling water….The finance minister…went straight into the hands of Tendulkar…and is sliced into pieces…. Mr. Krishna visited…Anil Kumble who is now going to…break the egg

And…the leader of the opposition party…is hit on the face…which will now turn red in two minutes…during the zero hour…both the umpires…are fried golden brown.

We now end the news bulletin…by calling Dravid…to peel the Onion.

Comments

3 Responses to “Indian email jokes part 2”

  1. Bhalchandra on December 11th, 2009 4:55 am

    Excellent!
    Enjoyed all the jokes.
    Please keep it up and include me in your mailing list.

  2. Will on December 11th, 2009 12:48 pm

    Hilarious – especially the Laloo jokes and the pictures.
    Laloo in the bar was my favourite.

  3. Vikranth on December 11th, 2009 2:32 pm

    I still cant stop laughing reading – Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from “US”.

    How so correctly written dude ha ha Can you post more please?

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