Funny Christian jokes!

Posted on January 21, 2010
Filed Under Blogging, General | 2 Comments

Read it, its really funny. Let me know which you liked the most! Well, if you are too spiritual, ignore this then..lol

Denominational Falling

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “That was an experience, how do I learn from it?”

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “I must have done something really bad to deserve that.”

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, “That was inevitable, I’m glad its over.”

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “Which one of my deacons pushed me?”

The Creation of Wives

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of

Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and

said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Instruction About Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were

always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their

town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining

children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to

see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the

older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him

sternly, “Where is God?”.

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth

hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

“Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his

voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet,

slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

“What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.

God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

At the Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the

bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment, then said “So why is the groom wearing black?”

New in Church

After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He

hadn’t met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied,”I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course.”

The Sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she

leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let

us go?”

The Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad

scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he

calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

Church Announcement

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:

“I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new

building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

Seeing a child in need

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and

had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she

realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told

her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid

of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said “The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid.”. The little boy

opened the back door a little and said “Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom.”

The Lighter Side of Talking to God

A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that

because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.

The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his

materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that

he should think of another wish.

The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know

her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing

is wrong.

The Lord thought, then replied, “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

Mount Sinai

Smith climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord

replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

Church bulletin errors

* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join

the choir.

*  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church.

Children will be baptized at both ends.

* The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little

Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on

the altar.

* Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

* Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

* For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth into Joy.”

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?”  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”  “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  “How do you know that?”  “Easy,” the little boy said.  “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

Young Minister

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister When I grow up.”  “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”  “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

Lords Prayer

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service:  “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

Terri

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. The Flight to Egypt, was his reply.  Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”  “Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!

Cook

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?” No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

Pastor Charlton

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’  It worked.”

It’s a joke, but it’s not funny!  Would you run?

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns. One of the men proclaimed, “Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are.” Immediately, the choir fled… the deacons fled… and most of the congregation fled…. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20. The man who had spoken took off his hood… He then looked at the preacher and said “Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites… Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!”

PALM SUNDAY:

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. “PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS’ HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.” “WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT,” THE BOY FUMED, “THE ONE SUNDAY I DON’T GO, HE SHOWS UP!”

FIRST TIME USHERS:

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, “DON’T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I’M UNDER FIVE.”

Children praying

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. (Ruth M.)

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family, and I can never do it. (Nan)

If You see me’ in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. (Mickey D.)

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. (Love, Chris)

We read Thomas Edison made light. In school they said You did it. I think he stole your idea. (Sincerely, Donna)

Comments

2 Responses to “Funny Christian jokes!”

  1. Bibhu on January 22nd, 2010 3:55 am

    I liked the boasting boys and church bulletin. ;-)

  2. Sam on January 22nd, 2010 4:24 pm

    I liked “Where is God?”

    lol that was superb…just visualise the kid saying ““We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.

    God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

    hehe

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